great quote

"Love is not a feeling, it's an ability."
-- from the movie DAN IN REAL LIFE

Well, it is a feeling. But in reality it is an ability, even more so.

Show yourself

This year, I promise to love my fiance, openly, daily.

It is an act that fills me with fear but the world has been showing me that people who know me, as well as many people who don't, are supportive and understanding.

I came to terms with my sexuality, my "orientation" in an era when killing, beating and harassing gay people was more or less hunky-dory.

I went to the Take Back the Night march and waved a sign and hollered through the streets with my friends. I have been writing politicians and putting money to the cause of equality for many years.

I bought my love her engagement ring and family that runs that small antique store smiled at us and were very kind.

I was walking through a parking lot and two young women walking towards me took each other's hands. I smiled. I felt their nervous energy and their strength all at once. Their public touch is what I marched for before they were born.

I know the people at my job... at least in my section, are accepting. I'm very much not an "in-your-face" kind of person but I am not going to worry about what I say when Joey calls me during the day. They won't fire me because it is illegal to do so in the county I work in.
I think playing it cool and letting them see how hard I work first was a good strategy.

I will work to let go off the fear that any of my quirks and faults may be attributed to my homosexuality and instead I will trust that my faults will be weighed along with my competency, devotion and integrity.

I am 42 years old. It only took me half of my life to get here. I AM PROUD that I was part of the change that has taken place in the world in the past twenty-some years.
My work here is not yet done.

I AM A LESBIAN, NOT BY CHOICE AND NOT BY MISTAKE.
I'M HERE, STILL HERE, BECAUSE LOVE IS THE WAY AND THE MEANING OF LIFE IS LEARNING HOW TO LOVE EACH OTHER. MY LIFE HAS ALREADY CHANGED THE WAY PEOPLE THINK. IT'S NOT TIME TO STOP. IT IS TIME TO REFLECT AND RE-COMMIT.


I dedicate this entry to the friends and family who give me strength: Joey, Dad, Cynthia, Genevieve, Cristy, Derek, Sandy, Virginia, Judi, Geri, Kathy, Barbara, Julie, Lisa, Jana, June, Troy, Randy, Ana, Pat, Vicki, Molly, Kim, Rhett, Angela, Roxanne, Billy, Jess, Maya, Debbie, Pam, George, Tom, Mike, Jerry, Dominique, Terry, Melissa, Stephen, Erin, Regis, Joe, Mary, Ana, et al... and also to the people of the future who will be able to be themselves whether or not they realize that it wasn't always so.

We become our image

Tonight, my friend told me how much she cares about me and she asked me if I minded the fact that she is presenting me to her 10-year-old daughter as the example which shows that gay people aren't bad people.

Wow.

I knew I was accepted in that household. I just didn't know I was setting the standard.
I'm glad I didn't know before now. That's a lot of pressure.

We, as humans, tend to put people on pedestals. Being only human, people fall. They often fail to maintain whatever it was that got them there, or to skew, obscure or obsolete the good with less-than-perfect behavior.

My friend told me that her child feels safe with me and loves me.
I pay attention to the child who is often the only child in the house on a Friday night.
I'm interested in the things she is doing to keep herself occupied while the grown-ups talk and listen to loud music.

Tonight we played with the karaoke machine, making funny noises and telling stories until everyone else came into the living room to start singing.

Though I haven't got the desire to be a parent, I do like kids. There isn't as much pressure to converse a great deal. They are happy to have you paying attention and supporting/guiding them.

Some of the best times I had with the step-siblings was before my step-brother could drive.
I took him fishing and watched his artful and instinctive skill, and carried his tackle and bucket behind him. I think he was an osprey or a pelican in his last life, although I don't know what he could have done to be demoted back to human....

It hasn't been hard to be whatever it is my friend sees in me. I haven't really been conscious of how closely she's been watching. But now... I hope I don't let her or her daughter down.

last night

Joey and I walked in the hate crime vigil last evening.
At the end, we walked back towards the parking place with an elderly woman and we began to talk.
Her name is Irene.
We walked and she talked without ceasing.
As she spoke, I was drawn in like water spinning into a clear drain.
Irene is 72.

Irene is a freedom-fighter.
She identified herself as Portuguese.
She says that she is anywhere someone is being discriminated against.

Irene wanted some soup so we went into a popular deli-style restaurant.

I never even asked her if any of her children were gay, but she did mention grandbabies.

She told us that her husband had been abusive and that now she is alone and happy.

Irene is a county bus driver.
That just about blew my mind.
She said she started out driving a church bus and just progressed from there.

While Joey was up from the table, I asked Irene how she came to her philosophy of life, what led her to be an activist.
She told me that her father was an abusive alcoholic and beat everybody in his family.
She said that later on, when she confronted him about it, he said that it didn't happen.
"How could I be mad at him?," she said. "He didn't even know what he had done."

She said that one of her brothers still hates him and that she keeps telling him, "He's dead. Let him go." The brother refuses.

She said that holding on to those feelings was only destroying her.

She is one of the most marvelous people walking the earth. Maybe last night I bought dinner for an angel.

I told her that I didn't think I could do her job. All of humanity appears on a bus. That's tough.
She said that while it was true there can be tough situations, most people just want to get where they are going. By the time they get on the bus, they have probably already walked a long way in the hot sun "so they are already mad."

She said that no matter what happens, no matter how abusive they may become, she apologizes sincerely if the bus is late and if they curse and threaten her, she says, "Go ahead. I love you anyway. I love you! Muuaaah." She hugs them. They walk away.

"You can't fight love," she told me. You Can't Fight Love.