Saturday, July 28, 2007


"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
Lily Tomlin
US actress & comedienne (1939 - )

(This may be from "The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe" by Jane Wagner.)

Friday, July 27, 2007

Sunshades for your car are not a luxury: a Florida tribute entry

You know you're a Floridian if.... (I've added some of my own.)

..Socks are only for bowling.
..You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
..A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
..Your winter coat is made of denim. (Or it's a zip-up sweatshirt... and for the one day a year when it's really cold you have a windbreaker to go over it.)
..You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
..You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
..Anything under 70 is chilly. (Amen! For me, it's anything under 78!)
..You pass on the right and honk at the elderly, but pull over for a funeral.
.."Y'all" is socially-acceptable at all family gatherings. If you don't use it they think you're putting on airs.
..You've driven through Yeehaw Junction (and not just past it on the turnpike.) (You may have even stopped to eat at the haunted inn.) (You can remember when it wasn't a tourist trap.)
..You could swim before you could read.
..You have to drive north to get to The South.
..You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
..You were baptized at your Daddy's church but went to Sunday School at your Mama's.
..Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
..You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark
..You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for. (Pretty much, that's true. It's the freakin' tornadoes you've really got to worry about.)
..You dread lovebug season.
..You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...but Charley , Frances , Ivan and Jeanne.
..You know what a snowbird is and you hate them.
..People seem amazed when they learn you were born here and you're not first-generation.
..You know why flamingos are pink.
..You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
..You were twelve before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.
.."Down South" means Key West
.."Panhandling" means going to Pensacola
..Your college friends have only been here once, on vacation, as a kid... and they hated it. Secretly, you are glad that people hate it.
..You think no-one over 70 should be allowed to drive.
..Flip-flops are everyday wear.
..Shoes are for business meetings and church.
..No, wait, flip flops are good for church too, unless it's Easter or Christmas.
..Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
..An alligator once walked through your yard.
..You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida .
..You measure distance in minutes. (Yep. Dad's is thirty minutes, work is eleven minutes if you start out before 7:30 a.m. My aunt's house is two hours. Tallahassee is eight hours. Jacksonville is four.)
..You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
..You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
..All the local festivals are named after a fruit.
...You know the field is full of sandspurs but you walk through it barefoot anyway...again.
..A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
..You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
..You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and January/February.
..It's not soda, cola, or pop. it's Coke, regardless of brand or flavor, "What kinda Coke you want?"
(Yes. The correct answer and the only answer is "Coca-Cola.")
..Anything under 90 is just warm.
..You've hosted a hurricane party. (Actually, my family has been here so long that we think only drunks & idiots hold a party during a hurricane.)
..You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides. ( Space Mountain during the Electric Light Parade!)
..You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
.. If you're a real native Floridian, you can smush a cockroach with your bare toe.
..You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Ichnatucknee and Withlacoochee
..You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
(And if the truth be told you HATE sportfishermen. And golfers.)
..Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, Nascar, Gators (or 'Noles) and a confederate flag.
..New development breaks your heart.
..You find yourself having to explain, repeatedly, that the Seminoles are not offended by being used as a mascot.
..You were 5 before you realized they made houses without pools.
..You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
..Your favorite pair of shoes is your bare feet... and the soles of your feet are like hard leather.
..You get angry when people say " Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH."
..You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
..You know what the "stingray shuffle" is, and why it's important!
..You recognize Miami-Dade as " Northern Cuba."

~Florida Blessing~
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.

Please keep it cool in mid-July.

Bless the walls where termites dine

While ants and roaches march in time.

Bless our yard where spiders pass

Fire ant castles in the grass.

Bless the garage, home to please

Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.

Bless the love bugs, two by two,

The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.

Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,

In FLORIDA , Lord, you've put them all!

But this is home, and here we'll stay,

So thank you Lord, for insect spray.


The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state .

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home.

The names of many Florida cities, counties, places, rivers and lakes are taken from Seminole words, both Creek and Miccosukee.

Apalachicola -place of the ruling people
Chattahoochee- marked stones
Hialeah -prairie
Immokalee- my camp or my town from Ah-mo-glee"-My home" in Miccosukee.
Miami -that place
Ocala -spring
Palatka -ferry crossing
Yeehaw -wolf
Pahokee -grassy water
Apopka -potato eating place
Okeechobee -big water
Homosassa- pepper place
Thonotosassa -flint place
Yalaha - orange
Miccanopy - top chief

Chokoloskee-"Old house" in the Muskogee language, the name of the Island near Everglades City.
Pa-ha-yo-kee-"Grassy" in Miccosukee, and White man shortened it to Pahokee; the name of a town in Lake Okeechobee.
Ochopee-Farm, "any kind of farm" in Miccosukee. It is a farming town on the Tamiami Trail.
Ocalee-"Still water" in Miccosukee and is what you would say if you had been wading through lots of water and came on lots more water - "Still water". This became Ocala, the town in Central Florida.
O-kee-fo-lo-gee-"Funnel of water" in Miccosukee. It has become Okeefonokee, the name of the big southeast Georgia swamp.

Creek words:

Alabama means "tribal town".
Seminole means "run-away".
Sasakwa means "goose".
Eto means "tree".
Opelwv means "swamp".
Chattahoochee means "picture rocks".
Chattanooga means "rock coming to a point".
Opelika means "big swamp".
Chickamauga means "dwelling place of the Chief".
Tuskegee means "warrior".
Winnipeg means "muddy waters".
Wetumpka means "rumbling waters".
Weleetka means "running water".
Cherokee, comes from the Creek word "Chelokee" means "People of a different speech".

I'm not sure what locka means but Opa means owl (Opa Locka)

The Seminole clans


Hope you've enjoyed my little tribute. Got any thoughts to add?


Monday, July 02, 2007

A few thoughts on how to make love to a woman

Be clean.
Touch her softly.
Look into her eyes.
Stroke her skin repeatedly.
Tell her she is beautiful.
Kiss her gently, kiss her deeply.
Let her relax in your arms.
Ask her if what you're doing is okay. "Is this okay?"
Respond to her touch and her moves.
Pay attention to her reactions.
Ask her what she wants.
Take your time.
Touch every part of her with soft, tickling strokes and kisses.
Elicit goosebumps.
Don't stifle your reactions to her caresses.
Talk with her.
Don't rush to orgasm.
Laugh together.
Express your thoughts
(but Never mention anyone else during the process.)
Tell her you love her (your favorite body part on her.)
Hold her closely, gently.
Let her know what you want.
Find out what she likes and do it.
Be open to whatever happens.
Share the lead.

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